Meta.Michala

Hello there!

Since leaving the man who stood by me through everything—even when I disrespected, dehumanized, and broke him down weekly—I still call myself a ‘life coach.’ I’m a Christian woman who prioritized material things and left someone who brought me closer to God because another man could give me more money. When he addressed my spending habits, I cried and fought him for hours instead of listening.

I hated myself, so I took it out on the person who supported my dreams more than anyone. I ran him into the ground. I accused him of domestic violence when I was the one breaking things in his house, grabbing knives to hurt myself in front of him, deliberately trying to wake his Airbnb guests to spite him. I have untreated BPD and toxic beliefs. I told him about my diagnosis, then denied it to everyone when he tried to understand it. I quote scripture constantly but don’t apply those standards to myself—textbook narcissism.

I cheated on him with sugar daddies. I cheated the first week we were together. During a two-day breakup, I slept with someone for money. While we were together, I went on another sugar daddy date and kissed someone else. Still think I’m a catch—his loss, right?

Let’s talk about how I used sex so much as a coping mechanism for my own insecurities that it completely turned him off, and when he got turned off I told him he was probably gay! yes! GAY! It’s just really hard for me to think a real man would put up with my toxic behavior and still think im NOT attractive. I’m a BADDIEEEE! Don’t you love destroying relationships sent from God?. The thing is, I never once thought about praying for what I wanted from GOD, as he was the one to give me everything I ever wanted, Not my ex, I mean, I’m a TRUE Christian. Why would I pray to God to help Chris and I with our desires? Ill just nag Chris and expect him to bend or ill just degrade him and disrespect him. That’s how it really works. Trust me, I’ve got this, My mom is divorced, so if anyone knows how to treat a man, it’s me. 😉

The truth is, I was head over heels when we met. He was energetic and wonderful. Then I drained him in every way possible until he changed, and I took zero accountability. I set him up to fail. My insecurity destroyed his peace. As we grew closer to God together, I got worse. Eventually he started lying about small things because my responses had become so unregulated and toxic. He expressed this and I just ignored and refused to change how I was treating him. Pretty much this entire ending was his fault, he responded to all the toxic and abusive things I was doing poorly, so I had to cut him off.

Now I’m distracting myself with road trips for work because if I sit still, my emotions will catch up and I’ll have to face how stupid my decisions were. I’ll have to face that I loved Chris, and ill have to run away even more. Im an serial avoidant…duh…

I am a liar, a cheater, I use men for money, and I do taraot, so that makes me a certified “life coach”. Thanks to my wonderful Ex whom I had to lie to myself about to break free from for gracing me with all the tools I need to be successful, thanks for providing me with the space no one else was going to offer me, Thank you for being the only person to stand up to me against my divorced parents, thank you for being backstage and doing my hair for all the events, and bringing so much value to my life, and thank you for investing in my health, and thank you for helping me time after time get my life together, clean out my closets, and help me with simple mundane tasks that otherwise I would have a mental breakdown over.

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